Icebox
by ShiningMoon
Summary: COMPLETE. Raditsu, Bardock, and Nappa reflect on an adventure borne from immense boredom in Hell.
1. Prologue

I'm not the smartest guy in Hell, but I know that fuzzy line that separates painful boredom from crazy boredom.

And damn, were we getting close to crazy boredom.

My father has been here much longer than I have—probably he knows the feeling better than I did. Might've gone off the deep end already, by that point. Hard to tell with him. He said he'd stopped having those premonitions, but no one wins against _me_ at cards _that_ many times in a row.

Must be some pretty damn boring premonitions.

But then, everything in Hell was boring.

…

Guess alongside overpowered bastards like my brother and psycho—psychic—same thing—martyrs like my father, a guy like me needs to provide a bit more of an introduction. My name won't mean a thing to you, so never mind that. Suffice to say I was one of the few surviving Saiyajin after Planet Vegeta was destroyed by meteo—Freeza. Fucking lizard. If I believe anything that comes from my father's mouth, it's that story—he'd be crazy enough to do it, anyway.

'Course, it helped that Prince Vegeta himself confirmed it for us in the short time he was here after the lizard killed him. Was just about the only thing he _got_ to say before the lucky bastard disappeared—wished back to life with those dragon's balls or whatever, I guess. Fine—I'd just as soon do without him. Fucking blueblood.

I caught a lot of flak in Hell about being taken down by my weak-ass traitor of a brother. Shoulda seen the looks on their faces when he turned out to be the guy who beat Freeza (no he didn't) and whatever that shit was that was going on when he fought the pink guy (we were granted the _pleasure_ of watching the battle, and I happened to notice the fool's ultimate transformation looked just like _me_).

Not that I really took the time to enjoy the looks on their faces, what with the guy I used to outclass in every way suddenly being praised as everybody's hero.

Really—_he didn't even kill Freeza._ From what I hear, it was Vegeta's son. That's not much better, but at least it's not my fucking little brother.

…

Now that I'm thinking of my brother, though, I'm reminded—there are bigger stories to tell. That's right, better things than what he's done. Don't believe me? You obviously haven't been to Hell recently.


	2. 01

My son thinks I'm crazy.

Actually, let me clarify. I am _kind of _crazy. At least, it feels that way. Used to be I'd get these flashes of visions of my other son, Kakarrot—saw him as the one who'd end Freeza. Turned out to be right, too. He's accomplished a lot, from what I hear. Watching his battle against that stretchy pink thing was just about the most exciting thing I'd done in my time in Hell, until recently.

By the way, forty-odd years in Hell? Yeah, I'm surprised I'm not as crazy as Raditsu thinks I am.

Back to the visions, though. See, whatever let me see those dramatic scenes before seems to be wearing off. Used to see events from decades in the future—now, dunno, seems like it could be a couple of years, couple of days, who knows. Used to see Kakarrot's dramatic standoffs with his foes—dunno if he's all done with that, or what, but now all I see are lesser events in his life—in his future, I assume.

Take yesterday. Middle of playing cards with Raditsu, I blank out for a second. What do I see? Kakarrot kicking some guy's ass? Nope. A staredown? Not even that. No. I see the guy eating dinner. Like I needed that. Shake myself back to the real world—have another of those "shit, I'm still in Hell" moments—and there's Raditsu looking at me like I just saw his cards or something.

I don't think he knows that all of my visions are related to Kakarrot, so there's no way I could do that even if I wanted to. Oh well, no reason to tell him—the look on his face when I beat him again was priceless. I'm pretty damn good at card games.

…

We played cards oftten. But I picked up on Raditsu's strategies fast, so it didn't take long for me to start beating him pretty regularly. Also got some extra help—found a couple of others who played cards and learned from them, too, when Raditsu was busy elsewhere.

Did the same thing with my training.

I mean, I sparred with Raditsu pretty often—not like there was much else to do, besides the cards. I think his time in Hell has left him feeling like there was no point to training though. With all these other guys around here that are so much stronger than us, why even bother?

I'll tell you why. That fucking Freeza.

It's not just me, either. I was here long before he died. I knew Hell before Freeza. Not like Raditsu and Nappa, not just a handful of years adjusting to the idea of eternally sitting on their asses, just a little too sweltering hot. I wouldn't say I'd gotten over that—dunno that I ever will—but damn, I was here for more than twenty years before Freeza got here.

You think Hell, you think the worst it can get, right? But it gets worse. It gets worse when Freeza shows up. Most of the guys who served him living were too scared not to serve him dead. He started up a regular gang down here, thought he could keep going on like he did in life or something. Now, the gods don't like that sorta deal, hordes of people in Hell banding together, I gather, but if the hierarchy of the universe isn't being threatened, they couldn't care less.

So Freeza's monopoly on anything that anyone ever did in Hell went under their noses unnoticed. Don't think it would have gone anywhere—guys stronger than him are down here, too, coulda stopped him if they got sick enough of it. Sure as hell (I'm standing right here—so pretty damn sure, I'd say), though, none of them gave him the time of day, never really cared for him. Doesn't know when to shut his mouth. Thinks he's just about the smartest guy around. Maybe he knows he's not the strongest—he'd better—but if he does, he sure don't act like it.

I should say, he sure _didn't_. Before, I mean. Before what we did.

It's a little saddening, y'know—seeing the guy who blew you up alongside your planet, bane of Hell's existence, huddled in the corner, whimpering threats to someone who's not even there.

Did I say "a little saddening"? I meant "the best experience of my life"…death. Whatever.

…

Best place to start is the beginning, I guess. Before Freeza died, I was pretty content fighting other Saiyajin, stupid little games that got us by. Raditsu showed up, started joining in. Then Freeza died. I knew (of course) that Kakarrot had done it, but keep hearing this rumor about Prince Vegeta's son. Sounds pretty convoluted to me.

Anyway, the place got real miserable (_more_ miserable), real fast. We got by, though. Raditsu's pretty good company, at least. Little full of himself—but at least it's entertaining.

There's nothing weirder than spending time with your own son, let alone twenty-odd years.

I dunno if seeing the battle against that Buu fellow sparked something, or maybe it had just been twenty years of too little change. Whatever it was, I'd had enough of it. Didn't know what to do, though, 'til the middle of a sparring match against Raditsu. Behind my eyes I saw Kakarrot wandering through a forest with some kid who could only be my grandson. I came to probably ten minutes after a solid blow to the head. What was my first word? "Adventure."

I'm sure that really reinforced Raditsu's confidence in my sanity. In fact, I know he thought something wasn't right with me, because first thing he did was sit me down and challenge me to a card game. It took me a while to remember why I'd said it in the first place, so I obliged, but—someone butted in on the game. This guy Raditsu knew—I really didn't. He was leaning over my shoulder (no small feat for what a tall guy he is) and looking at my cards and kept raising his eyebrows significantly at Raditsu. Right about as I was fixing to hit him over his big, shiny noggin, my own head smacked against the table. Kakarrot and his kid were pushing about half a mountain across a landscape (god knows why).

When I lifted my head again they were flipping through my hand, muttering to each other, and Raditsu looked like thwacking the new guy upside the head might've made him the happiest man in Hell. I said to 'em, "We need to go do something different. Something crazy."

I might as well have told them I was a Super Saiyajin for their baffled faces (Raditsu looked more perturbed, I guess). Well, their loss, I figured. No point in saving good ideas for a rainy day, not in Hell. So I stood up and left.


	3. 02

Well, the guy left, so I followed. Did I know him? Hardly. Did I _want_ to know him? Sure. Who _don't_ I want to know?

Anyway, I'm a follower, not a leader. Makes everything easier.

Right, but maybe you wanna know why I didn't know him in the first place, huh? 'Cause Hell's not exactly a big place—I mean, not like I've met everyone, but—he's a Saiyajin too so I shoulda known him, right? Well, I know Raditsu, that's the guy's son. Took me a while to get 'round to talking to Raditsu again in the first place. We used to work together (sort of) and I did feel a little bad when Vegeta blew him off. I didn't wanna tell him that we weren't gonna wish him back, but, y'know, I kinda forget what I'm saying sometimes. So I avoided him for a while so I wouldn't slip up and tell him how Vegeta didn't care and all, but I missed 'im and started popping up every now and again.

Usually he shoos me away, y'know—that's just Raditsu for you. But I think he's glad for my company. Still avoided his dad though, that guy gave me the shivers for the longest time. I mean, sure Vegeta killed me, but it's really Kakarrot's fault anyway. He made me look bad. Didn't even give me a chance. And Raditsu's dad looks just like Kakarrot if Kakarrot had ever had to serve under Freeza.

Turns out I'm not a _whole_ lot younger than him. Surprised we didn't see each other around when we were alive.

But by then I'd gotten over his creepy resemblance to the guy who gave me the worst beating of my life (probably besides Vegeta, but that's different), so I decided to help Raditsu out with his card game and right then the Kakarrot-looking guy was out. (Why? I still don't get it.) Apparently Raditsu didn't appreciate my advice (seemed kinda afraid to tell me, for some reason, but I could see it on his face), but whatever. The guy came to and…he was weird.

Turns out his name's Bardock, but I didn't know that then. Well, didn't take me long to find out, 'cause I asked him first thing when I started following him. Seemed like I was kinda bothersome to him (but at least he told me so, unlike Raditsu). Apparently he was pretty bored of Hell, like me and Raditsu, only he'd been there way longer so he was probably extra bored. And he wanted to…wander around…or something. I kind of stopped paying attention, he started on some crazy rant about Freeza and the way Hell used to be and that was about it for me.

By then Raditsu had caught up to us, anyway, so I thought maybe he'd shut his dad up. He tried, but the man just kept going, and Raditsu gave me this look like it happened all the time.

So we were wandering toward…well, I dunno. Like I said, I was following, so I don't remember where we were heading toward at first. There's these kinda vast expanses of nothing in Hell, probably moved through one of those. Made me wish I'd brought a snack along or somethin'. 'Course right about then we all heard this funny noise, like some squeaking or something. Whaddaya know, it was Freeza across the way beating some little guy up. Guy seemed to be trying to chant some stuff, I think. We moved around a different way so he wouldn't see us, but I got a good look at that little guy. I hadn't seen 'im around. Maybe he was one of the newer fellas.

…

Wasn't long 'til I ran into that squeaky little guy again. You know how you shrink when you get old? So this guy must've been really old. He was way tinier than I thought at first, maybe 'cause I'm way bigger than Freeza.

Raditsu and Bardock were a ways ahead of me, but they didn't seem to care that I was falling pretty far behind, so I thought I'd just catch up to 'em later after talking to this guy. So I introduced myself, and told 'im I was a Saiyajin and so were my buddies. He seemed kinda interested in that, told me some stuff about him I don't remember. Something about the pink stretchy bubblegum guy we all watched Kakarrot and Vegeta fight, and…

Well, he called himself Babidi. Seemed pretty nice but he had this weird laugh and he kept looking me over all interested like. Asked something about whether Raditsu and Bardock were stronger than me. I said, no way, 'cause I'm an elite and all that and they're pretty far down. He even noticed that Bardock looked like this Goku guy (later I remembered how Goku was what they called Kakarrot on Earth). I said yup, he was Kakarrot's dad, and Babadi was real interested in that. Well, I guess I know why now.

Told him I had to catch up to them and I'd see 'im around, he wanted to come with me but I told him no 'cause Raditsu and Bardock are cranky all the time. (They should really learn to lighten up. Especially Raditsu.)

…

Caught back up to 'em and it was like I was never gone at all. They were hiding when I got to 'em, dunno why, but luckily I'm pretty good at that game so I found 'em. They seemed real sad that they weren't as good at hiding as they thought, and we were on our merry way again. To where? Dunno. Dunno if Bardock had any idea himself.

Let me tell you what though, I didn't know it at the time, but halfway across this rocky plain we found the thing that started everything. If I'da known that then I probably would've paid more attention. But I was too busy lookin' at this green guy on the clifftops. He didn't know us then.

Anyway, I wasn't there—well, kinda, but—I didn't see it. Raditsu and Bardock wandered ahead of me again (really fast) and when I caught up, Bardock's hair was all whitish and they both had these big ol' smiles on their faces. They wouldn't tell me what happened—still haven't—but it was the start of something great.


	4. 03

Yeah, that's right. It was my idea.

We finally shook off Nappa—bastard thinks I like him or something—and while he was spacing off we found the solution.

See, when run-of-the-mill sinners come through to Hell, they put 'em through this washer. (I s'pose it can't handle us big boys.) Cleanses the soul or whatever, so they can be reborn and all that bullshit.

And I mean cleanse in the most literal way. Scrubbing, bleaching, the works.

My crazy father decided to check it out. Went up real close (after shoving around some of the useless guards they put there) and took a peek.

Had another of his goddamn "visions."

Head fell against the machine.

Hair got sucked into the machine.

Woke up and pulled himself out.

Hair came out this disgusting yellow-white.

Right about then I noticed his resemblance to my goddamn brother. You'd think I'd say it the other way around, huh? Naw. 'Cause now _he_ was the one with the bright yellow hair. I pointed this out to him. Said, "Better not let Freeza see you!"

He got this grin real quick but I thought of it first…I just don't grin about stupid things like that. I told him, wait, strike that and reverse. _Let_ Freeza see him like that. It'd be fun. Scare that bastard.

Never even thanked me for my brilliance.

…

Needed a couple more finishing touches for the job, of course. Now, that sonuvvabitch Nappa showed back up, but why bother to tell him what happened? Just told him we needed to know what Namek looked like. He says he knows a guy.

How does such a brainless lug always seem to _know a guy_?

But whatever. Runs off looking all proud of himself. Father and I think about hiding again—it almost worked the last time—but figure the longer it takes him to find us, the longer it'll be before we can enact my plan. (In retrospect, no idea why the hell we even thought Nappa actually did know someone who could help.)

Does he bring back this guy with him to tell us about Namek?

Nope. Moron comes skipping back with a goddamn crayon drawing. You'd think he got this stupid all by himself, but don't think Vegeta didn't help. For god's sake, even with their minds combined they were too dim-witted to wish me back to life like I thought they would. Nappa always skirts around the topic; probably too embarrassed by his sheer stupidity to talk about it. (Usually try to avoid talking to the cretin, anyhow.)

…

Now, we had t' do a few more things back closer to where we usually hang out. Word gets around that father's hair's all white, but we try to hush it, y'know—for maximum effect.

Not too pleased, by the way, about the fact that this worked only because my turncoat brother "succeeded" (again, no, _not_ true) where the both of us failed. But it was such a brilliant plan; I couldn't _not_ suggest it. Father jumped right on, what with his whole obsession with seeing Freeza suffer, anyway. (Doesn't shut up about it. On our way back, thought he was making some fucking philosophical point about some shit about parallels between…something…Freeza's rule…I stopped paying attention.)

Anyway, a prank on Freeza is a prank on Freeza. Who could resist?

…

My plan involved a few finishing touches, as I said. We had to know what Namek looked like and got that done real quick. But we needed a couple other things. Now…the guys up above like to try to educate us on how it don't pay off to be bad…so we heard the whole fucking story of Kakarrot's fight against Freeza, slide show and all, in a bound-and-shackled "rehabilitation meeting." (For those who they could manage to tie up, at least…I didn't bother fighting it, not worth the trouble, though of course I could've gotten out of it.) So everyone's pretty familiar with the story 'round here.

Here's the great thing. We had a bald guy right there at our disposal, and from what I know there was one o' them there when Kakarrot fought Freeza, triggered that fucking _magical_ moment or whatever. I only had to arrange a few more things before it was perfect. Father's hair would have been just fine for the plan, but then he and Nappa had to go and fuck with it. Am I the only one who can do anything right? They're just lucky I got there in time.


	5. 04

Now, after I got my hair outta that cleaning machine the first thing I saw was a big ol' grin on Raditu's face, followed by some real bright-colored hairs falling in front of my eyes. He says, "Hey, better not let Freeza see y' like that!" and I gather real quick that I must look like a Super Saiyajin.

I say, hey. Why _not_ let Freeza see me like this? And his grin gets even bigger. Raditsu rants about the idea for a while, makin' it his own I s'pose. Well, Nappa showed up not long after.

Turns out the guy was pretty helpful after all, by the way. He was able to get us a drawing of what Namek looked like, which was a part of the big scheme. Even more, he offered to play the part of that bald guy that was there for the whole thing. Y'know, up until the climactic moment. Everyone 'round Hell knows Kakarrot's story. (I ever mentioned how proud I am of th' guy? I only wish he was a proper Saiyajin. Ah well.)

Well, beyond those two things the Nappa guy did for us, he turned out to be helpful past that, too. See, I guess while we were wandering 'round he met this short wrinkly guy. And talked to him. And I guess he's a wizard, or something, used to be the master of that bubble gum freak that Kakarrot fought. Right, so he insisted that we go meet this Bobba whatever fellow, and who 'm I to argue? After he did that other stuff for us, no reason to disbelieve him. Raditsu wouldn't have none of it, hates Nappa so much and all that, but I went anyway. (I mean—it's _Hell_—any excuse to do anything is good enough for me.)

…

Now, he'd been described to me as short an' wrinkly but it wasn't until I met him that I knew just _how_ true that was. Up against Nappa, that fellow may 's well've been an insect. Annoying as hell—but he seemed real interested in talking to me, kept mentioning Kakarrot (or Goh-ku, whatever) over and over and how similar we look.

This guy, being a wizard and all, apparently had some magical powers. Mumbled something about Prince Vegeta (when did he come into this?) and started getting all twitchy and nervous like, I think. Seemed _real_ excited about something but didn't wanna show it.

By the way, mid conversation, had a vision of Kakarrot and his son sparring, both Super Saiyajins. Normally I ain't all superstitious, but this one was definitely a sign of what was to come for _me_.

See, I shook off the vision real quick and the wizard was alluva sudden ranting about power, and glimpsing…something… Nappa looked at me with this grin on his face and said something about how I should do "it" and how if "it" worked it could make our joke even better. (There's no way the guy hates Freeza as much as me, but I s'pose he had reason enough to be interested in our prank.)

Now, I had no idea what "it" was, so, I just kinda nodded an' figured, eh, how bad could it be? I'm already _dead_ and I'm already _in Hell_. Well, it was pretty bad. Suddenly there's this feeling like an explosion in my head, like the worst goddamn headache this side of the afterlife. I hear the wizard talking to me from _inside_ my mind and it's creepy as, well, you get the idea. But at the same time, I felt this crazy rush of power leaping up from my gut an' heating me up from the inside, like a real strong drink or somethin'. So I'm clutchin' my head like maybe ripping my hair out will make me feel better, got this weirdo talking to me from the inside of my head…then I feel something different. My hair starts sifting up between my fingers and my bangs aren't in front of my face anymore, and past the blood in my eyes and this focused heat in th' middle of my forehead, I feel _different._

The fucking wizard made me a Super Saiyajin.

That's not the end of it though. Apparently the catch was him havin' some weird control over me. What was weirder was how my normal visions played into it (hah, "normal"). Every time the wizard tried to make me do somethin', I blanked out into "Kakarrotto-vision." The man sparring Prince Vegeta. Eating. Fishing. Nothing special, only it kept the wizard guy from getting all the way to my head.

For the little time I was conscious, I saw Nappa lookin' back and forth between us like he couldn't decide what to do. Finally, when I fell over to the ground in pain, I think the guy caught on an' picked up the bug and snapped 'im in half.

Now, this is Hell, so no one dies. But he was out for a good long while. Long enough for me to fight off whatever he did to me, and my head stopped pounding. And I don't think he'll be messing with me like that again.

Because you know what I found out not too long after?

I didn't need the wizard's help after that.

I was a fucking Super Saiyajin.


	6. 05

Man, was I glad I'd met that Babadi. See, he turned out to be pretty helpful to us in this plot that Bardock came up with. He had some weird powers that could...well, increase Bardock's power, I s'pose. 'Cause that's exactly what he did. The whole process was pretty damn weird, but in the end I realized I had to knock the poor wizard guy out to get Bardock back.

Totally worth it. See, they wanted to scare Freeza.

Scare him real bad.

And since a Super Saiyajin was his downfall, what better than a guy who looks practically the same as Kakarrot? (I said before that I was over it, but it still creeps me out a little bit.) Plus, I told 'em I could play the part of that bald guy I fought back on Earth, that Freeza blew up before Kakarrot went Super Saiyajin. Bardock acted like it was the best idea ever (that was before the wizard though) but Raditsu didn't seem pleased. (Until he was telling other people about it, then he thought it was a great idea.)

He didn't even seem pleased when his father came back a Super Saiyajin. Guess he was just jealous. I am too - but, hell, I don't even know if I have it in me. Who knows if Babidi will ever even want to talk to us again. He hasn't yet...

That wasn't the end of it, though. Well, things would've been pretty good as they were, of course. But they could be better! I knew it. 'Cause I know that Vegeta was there for some of it, too. 'Fact, I know that Freeza killed him before Kakarrot fought Freeza.

And I know this guy. Well - we all know him - but I _know_ him. Kind of.

King Vegeta. So I decided to go find him.

...

Things went kind of weird with the good ol' King after he got to Hell, I hear. For one, he was in denial for quite a while. I mean - I think he knew the whole thing was coming, kinda, somehow. But it's still a pretty big change. I mean, most of the Saiyajin still treated him as King, still do, only technically he hasn't got a place to rule. He kind of tried to...set up a kingdom. I got here after it was already here. But I hear at first it was pretty nuts. He drew a big circle and...I dunno, I don't know the story exactly.

Anywho, by the time I got to Hell things'd calmed down a bit. He even insisted talking to me, to find out more about how his son was doing. Then after a bit, stopped talking to me. I had a real hard time finding him again, after a while, even though he was always in that circle.

But I thought - Bardock being a Super Saiyajin and all, maybe we could muscle our way around to find him. So that's what we did.

...

He was kinda surprised to see us, I think, but listened pretty close when he heard the deal was about humiliating Freeza. (I get the feeling that _everyone_ in Hell would've wanted in on it, if they'd known. I sure am glad I tagged along after them myself. I mean, I don't have it in for Freeza near as much as Bardock-of course-but he's a real bitch here in Hell so I feel just about the same as anyone around here. Plus, it was fun.)

'Course, the moment he heard that he'd have to go outside his, er, kingdom, he got a little weird, but I guess that's okay. It must have been worth it to him, because he agreed to (maybe mostly because there was a Super Saiyajin standing right behind me, giving the King this real mean look...I mean, I really think Bardock doesn't like King Vegeta at all!). I can't blame the King; being in Hell so long you kind of pick up weird quirks. Guess I'm lucky in that regard; I haven't picked anything up like that. Here's my secret: When I get bored, I go beat people up. Hey, it's Hell-not like they can die again, so I'll never run out of people. Got some friends, though, that I never ever beat up. But there's plenty of other tortured souls that don't notice a little extra torture. Keeps me sane. What can I say? I'm a Saiyajin.

...

So we had King Vegeta's (moving around real uncomfortable like the second he stepped over that line) help. He'd pretend to be (Prince) Vegeta.

Little did I know, we'd be lucky enough to come across even _more_ help.

That green guy that I said I saw standing of the cliff before Bardock's hair got bleached, remember him? Well, I didn't get a good look at him at the time, but I saw him later. I was walking around (Bardock's adventurous spirit really got into me I guess) and I went by those same cliffs again. Saw the guy again, got a better look now I was closer, and I recognized him as one of the "big boys" in Hell. Then I was thinking about Hell...Hell, Hell, Hell...and it made me remember his name: Cell.

So I shouted that up to 'im. What can he do, knock me out for a few days? Plus I like to think I'm a pretty likable guy. No one I've talked to has ever really tried to hurt me. I think. Er...well, maybe a few.

He looked down like he was pretty irritated, but then he must have recognized me 'cause his face kind of lit up in this particular way. Apparently, Raditsu (poor lonely guy, why doesn't he just come hang out with me?) had been chatting up anyone who'd listen about his idea. (Wait, was it his, or Bardock's? Damn...) And so he'd listened in and heard about the plot.

This Cell guy didn't like Freeza either. He said he'd beat him up a few times (which I would believe; they say he killed Kakarrot) but that just wasn't good enough for him anymore, too boring. Seemed like a pretty...devious guy. But with a laugh that was less weird that Babidi's, so he was fine by me.

So you know how I said he's one of the big guys in Hell? Well get this: He asked me if there was any way he could help.

Talk about an honor.

See, he didn't like Kakarrot that much either, but said at least the guy could beat him soundly by now so he couldn't do a damn thing about it. He just hated Freeza that much that traumatizing him like that seemed perfect (he chuckled to himself every time he said "perfect" - why?). I said I didn't know if he could do anything for us, what with Bardock being a Super Saiyajin now, and me acting as the short bald guy, and King Vegeta being Vegeta.

But I guess he had an idea all along. He had this really...weird ability. Well, a couple. Wait, let me back up. I said that we needed something to look like Namek, that was the main thing. 'Pparently the guy's like an expert at slicing up and moving rock. So I gave 'im my drawing of Namek (he laughed as soon as he saw it, I said that I thought blue trees were crazy too but he just shook his head) and he said he could do that.

Right, but I was gonna say, his other weird ability. So, he has the abilities of some of the guys I fought back on Earth, including the Namekian I killed, who apparently has this (I have no other way to say it) weird-ass _clothes beam._

Bam.

Now I looked like that bald guy did. (My clothes, at least; not like he could make me shorter, anyway.)

And then, King Vegeta's clothes looked like Prince Vegeta's.

And then, Bardock's clothes looked like Kakarrot's.

And we had Namek.

A little observation and a little talk gets a guy far. But always in moderation. Because after that we were ready to stop talking and _kick some ass._


	7. 06

When I finally found my father and that dolthead Nappa, they were standing all stupid-like over the unconscious body of what Nappa claimed to be a wizard. Fucking lucky for them I had the good sense to sweep them away from the scene before someone found out. (Dunno, shrimp like him looked like he'd have a few minions here an' there.)

Not like I have reason to believe _Nappa_ about anything, but my father said it too, and I don't see any other way he could have become a goddamn _Super Saiyajin_ than through magic.

I mean, come on. What the fuck does he need that for down here? Now it's like there's _two_ of that moron Kakarrot. I think being a Super Saiyajin makes you a hell of a lot stupider. Whatever.

Anyway, there was still the plan to consider. After the whole "magical ascension" (bah!) fiasco, I knew there would be no way to cover up the fact that we had a Super Saiyajin on our hands. (If that's what he really is.) Well, but I had to keep it from getting to the important people, y'see—Freeza's closest pals.

Like that's even possible. They're everywhere! So I told _everyone_. Makes the whole damn thing less credible, right? I couldn't wait to see the look on that fucking lizard's face when he found out all the rumors he'd been hearing were my doing. Ohh, it was sweet.

...

Now, thanks to my genius plan of spreading the word, Nappa came hopping back to me not to long after looking _real_ delighted with himself. In tow was a fucking _bug_, seemed pretty happy with himself too.

They looked at me an' shook their heads, an' shrugged at each other, mumbling something about there being nothing to do with me. Nappa clapped his big grubby hand against my back and told me to "just keep on talking" because thanks to this Cell guy hearing about it we had (and this is exactly what he said) "lotsa help!"

Like he needed to tell me to keep talking. It was my brilliant idea.

...

When the moron told me that he, Bardock, and the Cell guy would have everything ready by the next day (what a joke, there's no day and night in Hell) I didn't believe him. But I must have been a good influence on his intellect (or maybe this Cell guy's a real slave driver) because he turned out to be right (probably just pure coincidence).

Now I could never trust any of these guys to pull it off right. (Though, where did they get those outfits? I goddamn near slugged my father because I thought he was my traitor of a brother.) So when the time came to round up Freeza, of course I was on top of it. I marched right on up to his usual area, but...he wasn't there. Fucking someone forgot to tell me _something_. I got back to our little "Namek" setup (considering it was based on a drawing of about the skill of a three-year-old, it looked pretty fancy) and there he was, the bug holding him back.

I walked right on up to Freeza and grinned him a nice, toothy grin—to get him all riled up, you know. Then I set to making sure everything was in place. Feel like I wasn't filled in on something, because behind Cell, where the whole Namek setup was, was fucking _King Vegeta_. Now, my father hates him every bit as much as me—maybe even more—but my father (who had somehow gotten his hair back to its usual color) was standing right _beside_ the goddamn King (who looked real nervous...heh, he was outside his circle, wasn't he?). And then there was Nappa, with six dots on his head. What a joke. They all looked at me at once and Nappa (of all people!) tried to shoo me away.

Well, dammit. If I'd have known then that _this_ was going to result in everyone thinking it was _their_ idea, I'da done something about it. As it was, I got distracted—three giant-ass walls fell around us. I leaned against one of 'em and watched as the bug turned and released Freeza to the scene before him.

I was about to watch my brilliant plan come to fruition, along with the crowd a' people I'd told about it gathered in front of the open wall...silent an' waiting to see Freeza crumble. Best fucking day of my life. Death. Fuck it, you know what I mean.


	8. 07

That Cell fellow did a real nice job getting everything ready. The second I stepped into th' area we'd set aside (wearing garb like Kakarrot's, that obscenely bright orange I'm so used t' seeing in my visions) I felt like I was on Namek. Not that I know what the damn planet looks like, aside from about half a second a' that vision I had way back when, but, _hell_, blue trees? Just like Nappa's drawing.

Big ol' crowd gathered 'round us, guess 'cause of all Raditsu's babbling about our plot (s'pose we have him to thank for Cell finding out an' getting us this great setup an' all our clothes). Cell was holdin' Freeza, facin' toward them, so the bastard didn't even know what was behind him. Giant walls crashed down from th' sky (I guess under Cell's control) an' closed in the space. (A pretty big one.)

There was Nappa, grinning ear t' ear with these dots on his forehead like the shorter bald guy, and there was that King Vegeta (damn his soul to...well, even _further_ to Hell, but that's another story, lemme tell y' later), even, posin' as his son. Now, I turn to them with this signal to see if they're ready (Raditsu leans against the wall, guess he figured out we never did find a job for him) and they all look at me an' nod. Now, we ain't had much time to practice, but we _did_ practice. None of us're actors or none a' that, but I think we did a pretty damn good job of it.

Cell's lookin' out the corner a' his eye and sees us nod, and turns 'round with the squirming bastard, and tosses him out front a' us. He's got this look in his eyes, real angry at first, see (starts ranting, "the nerve," "what utter impoliteness," "what the hell do you think you're doing?" and bullshit like that), but then as he keeps looking—th' scenery, King Vegeta, Nappa—he gets _real_ confused. And then that lizard's eyes connect with mine and he stops talkin' after a sec, gapin' mouth, starts shakin' in his shoes—claws—whatever. Mouths somethin' somethin' monkey to himself, but with how big his eyes were, I'm s'prised he had any room at all for his mouth t' move.

But that ain't all we did, see, a' course, that ain't all there 's to it. Like I said, we practiced. So King Vegeta steps forward, gives a big long rant just about befitting of any Vegeta I ever knew (doubt the guy was even acting).

Well we weren't plannin' so much on Freeza, y'know _freezing up_ like he did, where the guy was s'posed to do his job in th' production: kill Vegeta. But I'm ready, ain't nothin' stopping me from doing this. I whisper with my biggest, _meanest_ grin: "Well, Freeza? Go on. Kill 'im."

Guess that big mean grin worked on Freeza cause I see 'im raise one hand _real_ slow an' shaky like, dead like a puppet. Shoots King Vegeta through the chest. (Like I said. It's Hell. Ain't no one goin' no-where. Sad enough for us, he was back to rulin' his circle the next day.)

An' I take a few steps closer. So does Nappa.

Y'd think Hell'd frozen over with how much that lizard was shivering. There's a moment's pause, and, y'know, we relished that sight. I'm surprised I didn't have some vision of Kakarrot somewhere 'round there, but I noticed that ever since the whole wizard, Super Saiyajin incident those visions've been bothering me much less. (Thank the gods. Scratch that, don't thank 'em—I'm still in Hell.)

Then Freeza opens his mouth like he wants t' say something. Nappa an' Raditsu an' me, we wait t' see what he's got to say. His eyes're lookin' straight into mine with horror like I ain't seen since the good ol' days clearin' planets. Only now it' not some poor sniveling race a' weaklings about t' be destroyed. It's fucking _Freeza_.

Well, whatever he wants t' say, it don't get out. Just some scratchy noises. I'd say he knew just what was comin'. Raditsu an' me, we look over at Nappa, an' Freeza looks the same way. Seems like he recognizes who the guy's supposed to be, 'cause his eyes dart over to us real quick, like he's askin'. I nod an' I swear his raised arm's so shaky I'm beginning to doubt he's got muscle beneath. Nappa gives a quick thumbs-up t' me an' Raditsu as he braces himself (what a guy—dead or not, I say gettin' blown up by Freeza'd be scary as—well—Hell) and with another a' those quick looks at me, Freeza somehow manages to squeeze his disgusting scaly claws shut.

_Boom. _

Little bits a' Nappa come driftin' through the air.

(No worries, when that sorta thing happens y' just reappear at th' entrance to Hell, where y' come in the first time. Nappa's quick—made it back in time t' see almost all th' rest.)

An' then was my shining moment.

I let out this scream and there I am, gold hair, Kakarrot's gi, the works. _Perfect._ I may've said that out loud, even, 'cause I remember Cell laughin' at that point (an' he always laughs at that word, god knows why)—a crazy bug-man laugh, but that was just background noise to the roars a' th' crowd. Even the guys that never liked Kakarrot, never liked the Saiyajin, even some guys that still considered 'emselves Freeza loyals, roarin'.

Had this speech I was s'posed to do for that moment, but it jus' didn't feel right. So I step up _real _close to Freeza, my boots almost steppin' on his toes (arright—I _was _steppin' on his toes) and say, "Well ain't this special?"

He won't even look up at me so I go on, "Y' look like you've seen a ghost."

(Nappa, who'd gotten back by that point an' taken to standing by Raditsu, laughs like crazy, I'm hopin' 'cause he saw the irony that _we _were the dead ones an' the ghost was still alive—but not holdin' my breath on that.)

An' Freeza just keeps shiverin', his eyes lookin' past me by now. I'm feelin' pretty clever so I say somethin' about hoping we can all live in peace down here in Hell.

An' I say, "This time, Namek ain't blowin' up."

"See y' tomorrow, Freeza."

An' he crumbles to the ground, curls up, and starts rocking back an' forth.

Feel so good about it, I don't even need to punch the guy.

Plenty of time to do that later.


	9. Epilogue

NOTE: Thanks to all of you who read this story and left comments. Each one of them means a lot to me!

By the way, I did a picture based roughly on the big event in this story. Check it out here, at my DA account: http:/ / fav . me /d2sp0lq (Take out the spaces.)

And now for the short epilogue.

...

So we're practically celebrities nowadays. 'Course, now Cell's keeping a close eye on us all to make sure we don't try something like that on him. Ah, but I'd never do that. We're buddies now. (Kind of. When I can find him, which is not all that often.)

Raditsu keeps wanting to go see Babadi, but for the life of me I can't find the little guy. Haven't seen him ever since I had to knock him out. Dunno, maybe he's gotten shy or feels bad for making Bardock's head hurt like that. Maybe he's afraid of me snapping him in half again. Who knows.

Speaking of Bardock, I see him around a lot nowadays. We're really good friends, I'd say. Sometimes he doesn't want to deal with the people following 'im around, asking how he pulled it off. A guy needs some time to himself, y'know? So I've taken to following him around, beating down anybody who bothers him. And sometimes, he doesn't even want _me_ around.

Well, he's a Super Saiyajin. I leave when he says.

As for Freeza, well, nobody ever actually hurt him. Even the onlookers—once Bardock and Raditsu and I left, Cell brought Freeza right back to his throne or whatever where his guards kept most everybody away.

But the guy's quiet now and he keeps inside. Bardock goes on about the old days, says that now "it ain't the same, but it ain't too bad." Every now and again Bardock peeks in Freeza's window to say hello. I think he has a real good time with that, guess it's his revenge after Freeza blew up him and our home and all. Seems pretty happy going about his day just that way, card games and sparring and spooking Freeza.

But I know people, and I think I know Bardock.

He'll get bored again.

After all, we're here for eternity.

...

END


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